An Ancient Brotherhood Pt.1
“An Ancient Brotherhood”
The Rights and Responsibilities of an Uncle
Michael Goodwin
In this world there exists an order, a secret society if you will, who’s reach spans the oceans of time. Known from Biblical times to Shakespeare, from Genesis to The Lion King, uncle’s have shaped the destiny of families from afar. We shall never know the recognition of a “Father’s Day” yet we indeed serve a purpose. As an uncle, newly raised up from the hordes, we welcome you to our kind (you didn’t actually do anything, that involved your sibling, but a mighty accomplishment nevertheless!)
The role of the uncle in literature has evolved very little over time, as we are usually a shadowy and unsavory character (usually trying to usurp a throne or something.) We also serve the purpose of comical oaf who usually fishes for some reason, while telling salty tales about women of low virtue. There are of course the alcoholic uncles as well as the ones featured in after school specials, usually ending with law enforcement and sad music and a social worker pointing to a doll. All these are false narratives, and are pro-parent propaganda. Your duties as an uncle are vital, and woe unto the wretched child raised without one. As what is known as a “Great Uncle”, it falls upon me to welcome the new brother (you) into the light.
We must set forth the duties of the uncle, which begin immediately after your brother or sister announce they (or their spouse) are “with child.” This phrase means several things; your position in the family hierarchy just dropped. Your sibling has gone up in your parent’s eyes to somewhere around “Paragon Of Virtue” status and you rate somewhere around “Shifty Hobo Begging For Cheese.” You are in fact so low on the pecking order, that a person (the baby) not even born yet has rank over you. The woman in which the child is living (rent free, I might add) is actually above you now (not even in the same family, scandalous.) It is therefore your first duty to comply with this just and noble decision by the family (revenge will come later, as will “evil plotting.”)
Soon, you must be prepared to be an unpaid Uber driver. Your vehicle shall be as expendable as you. Before the birth, you shall drive a (rather cranky) woman to doctors of all types, from general practitioner to pediatrician (voodoo witch doctor, midwife, weird lady surrounded by crystals, you know, the usual.) As the common pregnant woman must feed every forty-three minutes, also be prepared for your car to smell of fast food and sadness, as you will be feeding the beast (I mean “delightful mother to be…) far more often than one would think possible. The task of “Driving Ms. Angry” will thankfully end quickly, as it can only last 9 months (more if it’s a creepy Pod Person or something, in which case you’re not an uncle, but food.)
Upon birth, your only real job is to not squish the baby. While the parents and grandparents will be enthralled by the wriggling little thing, you will be pushed aside from all family attention like the leper you are. You may be offered a chance to hold the baby (mother’s are notorious for this, they would thrust a baby onto a werewolf) or even feel the bizarre desire to hold the thing yourself. Do not do this, it is a mistake. A messy, noisy, “slimy yet sticky at the same time” mistake. You see, a baby has an innate hatred of uncles, as we are usually well dressed and smell “not like awfulness.” The baby finds this unacceptable and will propel copious amounts of fluid waste to make you smell as a zoo animal. No, in the baby stage, your job is not to improve the baby, but to not make things any worse. As you are the son that did not have a child, you are merely scenery for the time being.
There will be a time where the rules fail us (there usually is) and you will be required to fill in for the parents with regards to sanitation duty. This means diaper changing. Evidently, parents are immune to the nightmare that their little offspring can produce but I assure you, it is ghastly. A diaper is supposedly an easy enough garment to master, but concentration is hard to maintain after the giggling little demon blasts a concoction of vitriol that could gag a maggot. Also, you will not be able to duct tape, staple gun or just ignore it (parents are quirky that way.) Resist temptation to practice on a doll or pillow. Not that this is ineffective, it probably is, but dammit, you are a grown man. You don’t play with dolls (please tell me you don’t play with dolls.)
Feeding is another aspect you will largely dodge. As an uncle, you lack the plumbing required. This is a good thing, you dodged quite a bullet there. You can relax and watch the little boy or girl reenact “The Exorcist” all over mommy while you stay clean, dry and “Non-Farm Smelling.”
Finally, as stated above, at some point you will be forced to hold the baby, it happens to us all and you are not immune. Simply remember the cardinal rule of being an uncle; “Do Not Make Things Worse.” So don’t juggle, toss, twirl or make a puppet out of the baby. Don’t drop it, don’t kick it, don’t hide it in a pillowcase and pretend you lost it. None will be impressed by your hijinks (I would, I find that crap hilarious, but this isn’t about us.)
With these simple milestones passed, your journey into uncle-hood will begin. The newborn stage of your new role is one of preparation and not much else. Luckily, things will get far more interesting relatively quickly.
Just get through this time without dropping the ball (and by “ball” I mean baby. Seriously, parents never forgive you for that flat spot on the head if you do.)
