An Ancient Brotherhood Pt.2
“An Ancient Brotherhood”
“The Rights and Responsibilities of an Uncle
Part 2: With No Power Comes No Responsibility
Michael Goodwin
With the pains of birth behind you (truly an arduous task, hearing all that complaining,) you now enter the true domain of the uncle: Childhood. Free from all constraints of decency and morality, it is you that truly shall enjoy this stage of the infant’s life. You, who fear not too much sugar nor sleep of too little. You care not for the school calendar nor the utterance of naughty words. You are an uncle, you are free from the mortal coils of parenthood. It is now that your sacred purpose is revealed to you: To be a horrible adult example to all infants…
First, know that your physical features will define which type of uncle you shall be. Tall men must realize that children see you as something of a climbable monster. You are a walking ladder, allowing them to put their grimy hands on the very heavens themselves (the ceiling, all children yearn to leave their grimy hand prints on the ceiling, like footprints on the moon. You shall assist them.)
If you are a fat uncle, then your domain shall be that children will poke you and you shall make deranged noises. You shall burp and be gaseous, and they shall imitate you, causing much strife in the household. You shall also make ungodly concoctions of sugar and calories barely edible by man or beast. You shall serve these heart attacks on plates to the grateful child knowing full well they are now a sugar stuffed time bomb with a hatred for bed times. Popcorn with a swamp of butter at the bottom of the bowl, because watching movies with non-clogged arteries is the domain of barbarians, and we are not Visigoths.
If you are strong, you will mainly be lifting the child, but unlike the tall uncle, your goal isn’t height but duration. You will mainly be a two legged horse, carrying the miniature person throughout the house when their legs inexplicably stop working. You will also perform Herculean tasks such as moving furniture for no apparent reason and then losing arm wrestling contests.
No matter your size or shape, there are some areas of overlap. Other tasks are more universal, such as sleep avoidance, poor meal preparation, questionable language choices and undermining parental authority. You will be in charge of entertainment that decent folk frown upon. When a person of authority refers to something as “inappropriate” or “not for children” it is your solemn duty to provide that very thing post haste. Scary movies and violent video games easily fall under this category. In fact, an uncle’s ability to watch scary movies with a child directly corresponds to 99% of childhood nightmares (I made this up.)
You may wonder why you are required to do this. It is a fair question and the secret, mysterious reason is an easy one to understand. You provide the necessary balance a child requires to develop into a mature human being. Whereas parents are strict, grandparents are soft. Where parents say “no” at the toy store, the aunt says “yes,” and where the parent is the beacon of rational, moral behavior, you are the arbiter of sin.
For you see, while popular culture today shows the uncle as an oafish creation, entertaining but flawed, we are in fact necessary. For without Scar, there can be no Lion King (don’t kill your nephew, this was just an example.) Yours will be a brief tale in the early years, marked by horrible behavior and temptations to rival the expulsion of man from Eden. You will tempt the young with all that this world has to offer, much to the chagrin of the parent (and any rational, reasonable human being.) For it will be you that enjoys the childhood of the child far more than the adults for the simple fact that you have no responsibility. The best part is simple, you can leave at any time you wish. Too noisy? Bye. Diaper too full? Gotta go. Weird smells and sounds coming from bathroom? Vroom. Yes, the way of the uncle is the way of the coward. Say what you want about cowards, they seldom get messy.
Now as the child becomes an actual person, your duties will of course evolve. Gone are the days of candy and gossip about boys (which is creepy if you think about that for more than 5 seconds) and in are the days of missing cigarettes and a raided liquor cabinet. Yes, your introduction of all things tempting shall come home to roost. Your nephew or niece will see you as a sort of walking party store. If you taught them well, you’ll barely notice. If you failed, they’ll try to replace your Scotch with water (if you don’t know the problem with that, then you had a boring uncle.) You may also have the unfortunate honor of being the one they turn to when failing a class, dropping out of school, getting a girl pregnant or getting pregnant themself. Yes, there is a distinct possibility you will be in for much more responsibility than you signed on for. Such is life.
This leads to the lesson of the Brotherhood Of Uncles; your awful behavior before was to build the trust later in life. You will likely be the one they turn to in times of need because you were always there before, just not in the way you think. You fostered a comfort and trust that they could be your partner in crime all those years watching forbidden movies while eating all manner of chocolate covered salt. Now provided you didn’t both get diabetes and die, it’ll be time for you to live up to the title. You will help them, in ways a parent cannot, approach adulthood themselves. For when the child you knew grows to have a child of his or her own, you will know why you will then be known as a “Great Uncle.” A title earned by many, but understood and lived up to by few.
So let the parents have their holidays and Christmases. Let the grandparents have the weekend visits and let the aunts have their shopping outings. You are an uncle, your holidays will be the random Tuesday nights at one in the morning. Your holiday will be unmarked, unknown and unexpected, and you’ll love every minute of it (except the random 01:00 phone call thing, that crap gets old in a hurry.)
