Process Of Adopting a Dog Pt.1
The Process Of Adopting A Dog
“A Guide To Self Torture And Agony”
Part 1: Choose Your Doom
Michael Goodwin
So you’ve decided that your life isn’t what it could be? A gnawing feeling of something missing? Perhaps you wish the companionship and unconditional love that only a dog can provide? No! Dear God no, it’s too late for us poor souls who already have this affliction, but you can save yourself. For the love of all that is holy stop reading this and get a goldfish. Not even an actual one either, get one of the cracker versions and put it in a bowl. You can even talk to it if you wish. Still here are you? Very well, don’t say you weren’t warned. In the following article, I shall share with you all I have learned from a four legged horror named Edgar (Ed or Eddie for short.)
The decision to adopt an animal for you or your family is one that cannot be taken lightly. This endeavor will take full effort for all involved. It goes without saying (yet I will, I’m a verbose jackass) that this is a living creature you will be raising, likely to live with you for the rest of its life (a life you will many times contemplate ending prematurely, I assure you. More on that later.) Once that commitment is made (poor, poor you) you will need to decide on whether you want a specific breed or a shelter dog.
Enough people spend their time going over the ethical dilemma between breeder and shelter, I figure you already know your morality and don’t need me preaching to you (send me your bank information and be saved, brothers and sisters!) Going the purebred route allows you to know what health issues, behavioral characteristics and overall size and longevity you can expect. These animals tend to be expensive and come from breeders.
Shelter and rescue dogs tend to be mixed breeds, which can be a good (inbreeding is kinda creepy and causes health issues) or bad thing (unknown health issues that may arise from breed specific issues like cancer, hip and joint problems, etc.) This was the route I took (should have got a pet rock) so that’s the process I’ll walk you through.
After knowing where to look, now you must decide what you are looking for. Size is important (am I right ladies?) A small dog gives off the impression that they will be easier to control. This is a god awful mistake, as anyone with a puppy (or baby, come to think of it) can tell you. Small dogs also tend to be snappy and bite-y. They also defy the very laws of physics by crapping out their own body weight on a near daily basis. It’s as astounding as it is nauseating. A big dog has his own issues. Most obviously, you are going to feed this mammoth, and that ain’t cheap. Don’t worry though, he’ll do as much damage to your yard as the little one, so you won’t miss out on the doody duty. Finally, there’s an issue I hate to bring up, but you always should keep in mind that you might have to fight this fella off if he decides you look tasty. So do you want to wrestle off a badger or werewolf (very unlikely, but every once in a while I catch Edgar giving me the evil eye when I’m late getting up.)
Speaking of Edgar, you’re gonna need to name this thing (make it a name that you enjoy saying, because you will be screaming it a bunch. Usually paired with other words like “No”, “God No” and “For the Love Of God No”.) Edgar (no, he’s not named after a morose writer with demented cousin lust) was the route I went with. Don’t get carried away here, you don’t want to be seen in your underwear running down the street with a leash screaming “Come back Captain Cuddleface!”
So you’ve decided to do this (couldn’t talk you out of it, could I)? You’ve selected a size of the animal (Got an apartment? Go ahead and get one of those creepy wiener dogs. Got a castle? Feel free to go hog wild and get a monster. You can always let it nest in the moat) You’ve decided on breeder or shelter (remember, the calm and friendly one might be a sociopath, go all “Ted Bundy” on you in the night. I speak from experience here.)
The final step is when it hits home. You’ve made a lifelong commitment (like a life sentence really) to an animal. Well, give them a name and have it engraved on their identification. This small step is pretty significant, because it basically makes the thought of raising this animal a real one. Part two of this article will help you through the next step (after that, you’re on your own, I told you to go with the Goldfish cracker, remember?)
So congratulations, you’re about to embark on a journey that will likely shape your life for years to come (like scurvy, or rickets.)
