Process Of Adopting a Dog Pt.2
The Process Of Adopting A Dog
“A Guide To Self Torture And Agony”
Part 2: The Wolf Is Loose
Michael Goodwin
You’ve decided on a dog (against my explicit warning,) you’ve made a commitment (dragging your family down with you, nice) and you’ve got a name in mind for it (you’ll be coming up with quite a few more in about a week.) Before you take the next step, there is something you must be made aware of about a puppy. They are suicidal. Their only goal in life is to find something sharp, toxic and preferably electric to chew on and expire. It’s a behavior none understand fully, but rest assured it’s real. Young dogs crave the sweet release of death and for the next year, it’s your job to deny them this obsession.
Start off by treating every loose wire from a computer, television or any device as a tripwire aimed at killing your new little friend (thus robbing you from this stress relieving activity.) A dog’s teeth will sever a wire with such efficiency it’s truly remarkable (mine ran behind a computer and without breaking stride, severed a mouse cord in one bite.) In fact, the dog species at youth is basically a furry chainsaw with feet (and an ever producing colon, but we’ll get to that later.) Anything and everything will be chewed on. Table legs, remote controls, pin cushions (fun story, that one will cost you $800 in vet bills,) old people and dust particles will all seem delicious to your health averse friend (dust particles aren’t dangerous, but it’s unnerving to watch an animal “sharking” it’s way through a room, snapping at nothing.)
Know that your carpet will never be fit for laying on by man nor beast. Your little buddy is going to make a toilet of your home. Every room, every corner and under every table, you will find his or her dreaded anal spawn. If you’re ever curious, use a black light to detect just how much awfulness ol’ Cutsie Magee did to your carpet, you’ll cry and vomit simultaneously (that’s right, you’ll “cromit”.)
Finally, another ethical quandary for you. To crate, or not to crate. On the surface it seems mean to put the new addition to the family in a cage at night, and many people certainly believe this (they will tell you about it, to extreme detail, even if you don’t ask. Especially if you don’t ask.) The other opinion is that animals actually enjoy the cage as it acts as a den for them. In fact after a while, the door of the cage can be removed and the animal will still sleep in it. Practically speaking, a crate will allow you moments of peace and safe nights for the animal. I personally didn’t crate, and after two weeks of sleeping on and off for an hour at a time and taking Puddles The Wonder Dog out every other minute, I was begging a crate for myself.
So what exists to help you in this new life of sleep deprivation, constant barking and biting and all other benefits of a hostage situation? Well luckily I have a few paragraphs left and am of a giving heart.
To combat the chewing, sprays exist like Bitter Yuck! that are non-toxic and have a smell of cherries but tastes like baking soda. This does repel the dog from casual chewing, but if it is in the mood, nothing short of a shotgun is going to work (I don’t recommend this, way too much drywall work afterwards,) there are plenty of chew toys for dogs as well, many of them boasting their toughness. I have only found two that lasted. Deer antler pieces and damn near anything by a company named Kong will last. Avoid anything with rope. Dogs will eat the rope fibers. It’s not toxic, but it makes a sort of “Poop Nunchuck” where the turds are held together by string, hang out of his behind and make him run. It’s hilarious, right up until they start skiing on your carpet. Like a smelly brown butter spread. Now, as for your poor carpet, there are “stain remover” sprays and shampoos that really work, right up there with Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. Nothing will work. Maybe gasoline and a match, but the insurance companies kinda frown on that. You can clean, you can spray and you can do your best, but the only real way to stop it is to house train, and do it fast (seriously, every hour take them out and put them in the grass. In two weeks Ed was good.)
Finally, you are a human being, the peak of the food chain and master of this planet. Call in the overwhelming power of science. A laser pointer and a buzz collar will serve you well. (they do shock, but also vibrate, which is like walking on a grave to a dog. They are mortified by the vibrate setting.) A dog will chase a red dot like heroin for hours (as a bonus, you can put the laser on people you don’t like. Like a laser guided missile. A toothy missile.)
So to recap, it helps to have everything of value hidden, everything deadly secured and never again lay on your carpet. Have chew toys, a crate (remove the door if it bothers you, but it helps for them to have a private space to sleep) plenty of chemical warfare (bitter sprays and deodorizers) and 21st century tech (lasers and buzz collars.)
The first two weeks will truly make or break your will. I can promise you that after that time period, it gets easier (I’m lying.) There is one last toy a dog needs. It can only come from you. It’s a stuffed animal, a shirt or anything that smells like you and is soft. They are in a new world, away from their mother and scared. We all know what it’s like to be scared, and we all know what it’s like to wish someone would take that away, and that’s your main job for those first few nights (not killing them will be the job for the next two weeks.) So a small cuddly bear toy will serve them well. I chose one for Edgar and he never let it out of his sight. He would wake up every morning and carry it to the door to go outside. As he grew older, he needed it less and less, until he finally felt at home (at which point he literally chewed the face off of it. Scared the crap out of me. There’s no way that’s a good sign.)
